Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
