I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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