is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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