It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
