Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
