So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
