Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
