M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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