accomplished twins. life is a go
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
