im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
