Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You did what with his pubic hair?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
