You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
