her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
