Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
