Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
