Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
