Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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