Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
