When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
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so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
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He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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