I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
