walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
