I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
