smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
