Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
