Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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