I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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