so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
