Plan B is the new Plan A
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
