yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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