What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
