She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
