Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
