Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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