His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
