I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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