I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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