Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
