Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
