I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
