You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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