just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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