You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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