ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
