My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
