She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
