My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
