The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i need some magic done to my vagina
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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