the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
