i need an iv and a liver transplant
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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