theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
