i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
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If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
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I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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