we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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