Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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