I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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