imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
