Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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