I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
