So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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